Here are some random quotes I've collected. Some are funny, some are stupid, some really make you think. And of course, some are combinations of these. Enjoy! They are in a purposefully random order.
Credit will be given if I know who said it or wrote it. If blank, assumed anonymous or unknown.
Where's the flavor? It's starting to taste a lot like McMMORPG, over 5 million customers served. Would you like an alt with that?
--from someone's signature on the WoW forums
If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
--Zapp Brannigan, Futurama
Men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is a woman's job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something she would like to have dinner with.
On the other hand, Women are also like a fine wine, they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then they turn full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.
--From a random wedding toast
Our first topic today concerns a certain Mario, who speaks out against the allegations that he has developed an addiction to Mushrooms. Quote "I don't-a even like-a those shrooms!" end quote. However, the plaintiff, Waluigi Wario, the owner of the restaurant, 'Shrooms Galore!' has allegedly sold over a thousand shrooms to Mr. Mario, but the receipts are proved dubious by officers on the scene.
--From a fanfic by High Mage Kaizen
If Kyuubi was sealed in Naruto, then it only makes sense that people would fear Naruto. If someone sealed Hitler in a baby, would you not always be suspicious of it? What if you were a Jew that survived the concentration camps, only to discover that Hitler was sealed in a baby who's living next door, and you don't know whether or not he has any influence on the baby's actions? Also, the baby is being trained as a soldier and desires to one day be elected president.
--AnimeSuki forum discussion about Konoha's hatred of Naruto (a good example of the unspoken law that a thread dies the instant someone brings up the subject of Hitler or nazis)
I wonder if jellyfish like peanut butter.
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
I don't think I have a clue about the clue I think I have.
209. ARGUMENT FROM TUNA FISH
1) Nothing is better than God.
2) A tuna fish sandwich is better than nothing.
3) Therefore, a tuna fish sandwich is better than God. (And tastier, too.)
4) Therefore, God exists.
4a) But you'd be better off worshipping the tuna fish sandwich.
I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.
--George Bernard Shaw
They say that if you don't do it, you'll never know what might have happened, but if you do do it, would you know what would have happened if you hadn't done it?
Invader's blood marches through my veins, like giant radioactive rubber pants! The pants command me! Do not ignore my veins!
--Zim
There is hope... but not for us.
--Franz Kafka
There's no 'x' in espresso, dammit!!
The human race is like granola - if you take away all the nuts and fruits all you have left is a bunch of flakes.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
--Oscar Wilde
Be alert! Your country needs lerts.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
--H.L. Mencken
If barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
A true friend is one who knows the song in your heart and sings you the song when you're torn apart.
I dismantled my bed the other day. I tried to mantle it in another room, but the dictionary wouldn't let me.
I wish I could buy those little dehydrated hot cocoa marshmallows by the bag.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
I was shopping with my girlfriend the other day when I saw something really neato. So I said, "That's doper than a field of marijuana!" She laughed... but, you know, I just don't think she got it.
Cast your bread upon the waters, and ducks will follow you to your car.
Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
--T.S. Eliot
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
But what if there IS no tomorrow? There wasn't one today!
--Groundhog Day
If you knew how much I love you, you would run away.
Has it ever bothered you that there's no adverb form of the word lovely?
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
Speaking of evolution I just know that someday, deer are going to evolve hunter-orange fur. (You know, so they won't be shot.)
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
I used to amuse myself by shaking those magic 8 balls and asking if they really worked. The answer was invariably 'no.' I would leave feeling smug until I had this sudden realization. Having a magic question-answering ball tell you that it doesn't work is along the lines of the phrase, 'This sentence is false.'
A crown is worn by a king, while a hat is worn by a pauper. Yet which one would you rather have on a rainy day?
--Ancient Proverb
Is it just me or does anyone else ever randomly turn around while on the computer just to see if someone is watching you....
There are only about 100,000 people on this world, everyone else is an NPC.
The biggest problem I have in life is what I'm going to eat when I'm dead.
We live as we dream... alone.
--Joseph Conrad
Sometimes I put my hands on the sides of my head and push real hard, hoping that maybe I can crush my brain.
If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he spends all day in a boat drinking beer.
Follow your dreams. Unless it's the one where you go to work naked.
It's a horrible shame how platypi are almost never featured in the media today.
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain-and most fools do.
--Dale Carnegie
One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.
--Ida Scott Taylor
Keep out of children.
--Warning on a Korean kitchen knife
I hate being able to only have a minifridge in my dorm room. What do I do with the other half of the body?
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
--Phyllis Diller
I wonder if they will start teaching use of emoticons in grammar classes in high school, like the when to use the :) and when to use ;) properly in a sentence...
I went out and bought some powdered water, but now I don't know what to add.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Why don't we pronounce 11 "onety-one"?
Bart, I'm afraid. I think I'm going to die...
We're all gonna die, Lisa.
But, I meant soon.
So did I...
--The Simpsons
A lady called and ordered a salad the other day, but then we realized we were out of lettuce. I called her back and told her we were out of lettuce, so we couldn't make her a salad...and she asked me "You're out of lettuce? What happened?!" I wanted to say, "This giant rabbit came in with a gun and he said give me all your lettuce or I'll blow your brains out! What do you think happened to the lettuce?"
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
9 out of 10 people believe that 1 out of every 10 disagree with the other 9.
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
--Adolf Hitler
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
You know that song where they say roasting chestnuts on an open fire? Well, just for kicks, my aunt and my brothers and I stuck some chestnuts in a microwave and put it on high. My grandma's house will never smell the same.
If good things come to those who wait, and good things come in small packages... Do better things come to those who wait in small packages?
In the long run we are all dead.
--John Maynard Keynes
We do not own the Earth. We are borrowing it from our children, and should return it the same way we got it.
--Native American saying
You know positive thinking doesn't sound like a very good idea to me, I'm sure it doesn't work, and if it does, it's probably really hard to do.
A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.
--James Douglas Morrison
A BRIEF HISTORY OF MEDICINE
2000 BC: Here, eat this root.
1000 AD: That root is heathen. Say this prayer.
1850 AD: That prayer is pure superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD: That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD: That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD: That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this root.
Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Try not to have a good time... This is supposed to be educational.
--Charles Schulz
Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
--Jason Hutchison
This guy leaned out his car window and begged me for my phone number. I said the most I would give him was my email address. He said, "No, I don't trust the internet." So I said, "Well, I don't trust people who ask me out while I'm driving."
The cure for boredom is curiousity. There is no cure for curiosity.
--Ellen Parr
If horrible and horrific both mean bad, then why does terrible mean bad and terrific mean good?
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
--Arthur C. Clarke
No one suspects the butterfly.
--Bart Simpson
Faith. Faith is like standing in a food line so long you can't can't even see if there's a kitchen at the end of it. If there isn't, you starve, but at least your faith was strong.
--Henry Rollins
I used to do acid all the time. Then my coffeemaker told me I was an idiot. That was the end of that phase.
Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and just be my friend.
--Albert Camus
Have you ever slid the metal covering on a diskette? I know I feel dirty and unclean when I do.
Rubber piggies have ruined my life!
--Dib
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. The most intelligent people walk that line.
--Arein Magus
WARNING: For all of you who have ever wanted to try carbonated milk, don't. It's just not a good idea.
I can imagine a world with no hate, racism, wars, or prejudice... then I can imagine us attacking them, because they'd never suspect it.
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
My other car beat up your honor student.
Chickens don't cross roads anymore. It's sad, really.
When Mario "dies", do you think he remembers his past lives?
M&M's do too melt in your hand!
When you take a picture, people in the view typically shut up and wait for the flash unless you have them say cheese. Last time I checked, cameras don't hear, and cheese doesn't make my friends smile.
Hold stick near center of its length. Moisten pointed end in mouth. Insert in tooth space, blunt end next to gum. Use gentle in-out motion.
Toothpick instructions--So Long, and Thanks For All The Fish
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac!
The other day I was at Dillards and I was looking for a towel in the color #0000CC and I realized that I had to get out more.
Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I accomplish.
--Michaelangelo
I once watched a group of animal rights activists sit and gloat about setting a dolphin free from a tuna net. I said "Did you save the tuna, too?" They said, "Well, uh, no." I said, "Isn't that sorta like only saving the cute kid from a burning orphanage?" Oh, well, I didn't want to be invited to another meeting, anyway.
Why is it that nobody ever questions the fact that pink lemonade is pink, when we all know that there are no pink lemons?
There, now I have drawn a line for you to walk on. But you've lost some of your freedom, haven't you?
--Neon Genesis Evangelion
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity.
--Albert Einstein
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
Slow and steady wins the race as long as the other competitors are narcoleptics.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
--Mel Brooks
The result may not be the large cranium creature of science fiction but a nonsentient, carbon-dioxide-adapted monkey. Evolution does not correspond with our notions of 'better'. Survival is survival. On the other hand there's genetic engineering...
--Wired
You know the saying "Worth its weight in gold"? Well crack has a higher street value then gold so wouldn't it be better to say "Worth its weight in crack"?
It must be cool to be a hummingbird, because then you have a straw with you all the time.
Why do they sell shampoo for dry hair, when everybody knows that if your hair is dry the shampoo won't make any suds?
When I get a Porsche I want to put a bumper sticker on it that says "See, I told you my other car was a Porsche."
The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
--Eden Phillpotts
When you go to get your drivers license renewed, get drunk before they take your picture. That way, when a cop pulls you over and looks at the picture on your license he'll say, "Yeah, you look fine," and let you go.
Why do people always say "ewww!! this smells so gross!! here, smell it!!"?
When Romeo was fifteen, he spoke like Shakespeare and STILL only succeeded in wooing his thirteen-year old prepubescent next door neighbor.
Yesterday is but today's memory, tomorrow is today's dream.
--Kahlil Gibian
I have this horrible sinking suspicion that she who dies with the most shoes really does win, and then I'll be sorry for all those pairs I gave to goodwill.
Gungan! The other white meat!
--The Interactive Phantom Menace
Christmas is the only time of year where it is socially acceptable and encouraged to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of old socks.
Don't you hate that feeling that you get right after you have said something really stupid but before anyone has called you on it? It's the waiting that kills me.
Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.
The other dentist caved and now they're all recomending trident.
Why doesn't anyone mind if Barney dances through a playground full of kids with no clothes on, but when I do it it's a problem?
I think we're all like cheese in a way, but I'll be damned if I know what that way is.
I think, as a rule, it is a good idea to leave a party whenever you overhear someone say "The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers."
I was chewing a piece of carefree gum one day and noticed a label on the side of the gum pack, it read: 'caution: contents may cause cancer.' How carefree is that?
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.
--George Bernard Shaw
You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
--Al Capone
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
--Ursula K. LeGuin
Why can't you buy the bubble gum in Blow Pops without the Blow Pop? I think that's about the best bubble gum there is.
If you ever think you're weird and every one else is normal then remember this- normal spelled backwards is lamron...now does that word seem normal?
I had a fortune cookie the other day that said, "This fortune is wrong." Should I be scared?
The basis of logic as to my understanding: cheese has holes, people have holes, therefore people are cheese.
Have you noticed how great escalators are? They never break down, they just turn into stairs.
There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.
--Morpheus
Ever wonder why they even bother to put the eject button on the remote? You still have to get up to take the tape out.
The man who dies with the most toys is still dead.
Who discovered that you could get milk from cows, and what the HELL did he think he was doing at the time?
If you build a man a fire, you keep him warm for a day. If you set a man on fire, you keep him warm for the rest of his life... I like this better than the one about the fish.
Why don't people brush their teeth in the shower?
If we weren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
At the end of the game, the king and pawn go into the same box.
--Italian Proverb
Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.
I am only more empathic than sushi by virtue of the fact that I am not lying dead in a Japanese restaurant.
Am I the only one who finds it odd that Cinderella was the only girl in the kingdom with that particular shoe size?
Would a Slinky on an escalator ever stop?
Always use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Life would be so much more interesting if everybody just sporadically broke out into musicals.
Men always want to be a woman's first love--women like to be a man's last romance.
--Oscar Wilde
The only fault with a sharp tongue is the tendency to slit my own throat.
Every day that I wake up without a chalk-line around my body - is a good day.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
--Aldous Huxley
Do you know why Fruity Pebbles is such a fantastic cereal? It's because they're Fruit Loops, but already chewed for you.
I once tried sniffing coke. The ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.
--Oscar Wilde
Don't criticize the peanut for its inability to fly, for even the golden eagle in its feathered majesty is not nearly so salty.
Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
--Abraham Lincoln
Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
Never confuse virtue with lack of opportunity.
*I* brush my teeth in the shower, dammit.
There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me.
--John Erskine
Worry is the first time you can't do it a second time; panic is the second time you can't do it the first time.
That's a good idea. Why don't you write it down and send it to last week when I might have cared.
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
--Henrik Tikkanen
What makes Ketchup "fancy", and will they ever invent "casual"?
No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making other bastards die for their country.
--George Smith Patton
If I had a nickel for everytime I forgot something, I don't know how much I'd have.
See, knowing me, she'll say "I love you," and I'll say "Sucks to be you," which somehow doesn't come off as well as "I'm sorry."
I believe that how much fun somone is to hang out with is directly proportional to the amount of time they spend singing in their car.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.
--Galileo
How did a holiday about the birth of the Lord's son turn into a guy in a red suit spewing out presents to random kids underneath a tree?
Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth.
--Ashleigh Brilliant
There's no "I" in team, but there is a "me."
There is more than 1 way to skin a cat but however you do it it's gonna make a noise...
--qtpie
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
--Ambrose Redmoon
I have now decided that there will never be a book called "Chicken Soup for the Vegetarian Soul."
I think Albert Einstein owes me one. I went to one of his lame parties once, and the DJ was terrible, so I said to Einstein, "Hey E, this M.C. is square."
We really don't have enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but three lefts do.
Live every day as if it were your last and then someday you'll be right.
I was talking to a girl at work the other day. As I was leaving two phrases went thru my mind. 1)Have a good one, and 2)Take it easy. What came out was "Take a good one." Bet that made her think.
I have a vocabulary the size of a really big thing.
Ever get the feeling that the little people are about to escape from your mind........and then you realize that you are a little person trapped in someone's head and they don't know it?
Is it really that wrong to watch the part of "Meet Joe Black" where Brad Pitt gets hit by the car over and over again, in slow motion?
Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.
--Andr Gide
The noblest dog is the hot dog; it feeds the hand that bites it.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
That which does not kill me had better run like hell!
Why is it that when you meet someone who claims to have had a past life, they always were Napoleon or the Apostle Paul or something, and never someone who hauled rocks or worked cleaning latrines?
Why is it that you see signs saying "Drug Free/Weapon Free Area" when approaching a school zone but no one has the common decency to post signs saying "Resume use of illegal weapons and drugs" at the other side?
Is it just me or would the world be a much better place if everything was covered in velvet?
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
--Sam Levenson
If people who work at carnivals are called carnies, then shouldn't people who work at fairs be fairies?
I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again.
--Bart Simpson
If you're happy and you know it, say, "I'm happy. I know it."
Why is won't the contraction for will not? I mean, would not is wouldn't and could not is couldn't, so why can't will not be willn't?
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
People like Bill Clinton and Michael Jackson piss me off because they have enough money to fill a swimming pool with spaghetti and they don't do it.
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Sometimes I wonder if the voices in my head are talking about me behind my back.
Where DID all those cowboys go anyway?
If your mom tells you its okay with her if its okay with your dad, and your dad tells you its all right with him if its okay with your mom, is it okay? I think so.
I can taste your fear. Mmm... cream filled.
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
Once I saw a billboard that said "Learn English as a second language." How are you supposed to be able to read this if you don't know English? ESP or something?
This sign at the local post office confused me: "No dogs allowed -- except seeing eye dogs." Now who's supposed to read that sign? The dog or the blind guy?
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before.
--Mae West
Most accidents happen around the home, so wouldn't that make homeless people incredibly safe? I think so.
It would be weird if somebody died because they choked on a lifesaver.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
--Ashleigh Brilliant
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Why don't they clone an endangered species instead of all those sheep? We have lots of sheep...
Gods, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those who tick me off.
Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.
--Edward R. Murrow
Have you ever wondered what life would be like if we were born floating and we grew until our feet touched the ground?
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
--John Morley
Sitting by a fire is not romantic if the logs are plastic and you light it with a switch.
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
--Ashleigh Brilliant
When ever I am feeling down about myself I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
I usually wear headphones at the computer just to keep my ears warm, but I still ignore everyone around me because they think I can't hear them.
How glorious it is--and also how painful--to be an exception.
--Alfred de Musset
You know, sometimes I REALLY like the smell of nail polish remover. Is that bad?
Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger; well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim; well, there is such a thing as water. (People) feel sexual desire; well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.
--C.S. Lewis
When I see a street sign that says "SLOW CHILDREN" I think great, now they'll be easier to hit.
Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.
--Dan McKinnon
Good generally conquers evil...unless of course good is stupid.
Ever notice that the monkeys in the animal cracker boxes wear pants? Why is it that only the monkeys get pants? Aren't the other animals jealous? So the elephants get little hats, big deal.
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?
--Solomon Short
Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?
Just for a moment, become aware of your tongue. Creepy, isn't it?
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
--Ashleigh Brilliant
Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.
Shouldn't "extraordinary" mean even more ordinary than usual?
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
--Oscar Wilde
I've been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Personally, I'd think that some people would faint at the site of my shirt if that was the case.
Learning is not compulsory but neither is survival.
--W. Edward Deming
Support Sporks! Represent Sporkage! Long live Sporks!
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
--Judith Martin (Miss Manners)
If I received 3.592 cents for every time someone told me that I was anal, I would have exactly $203.9491857763. Is that cool or what?
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
--William G. McAdoo
Wouldn't life be cool if there was music in the background all the time like in the movies? At least you'd always know when you were in danger.
It's like my dad said to me before he died... "Son, Uhhggh_________"
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
--Robert Frost
If a tree falls in a forest and lands on a mime, does the mime make a noise?
Everyone says that all the good domain names are taken, but I just found that uglyoldmen.com, iliketosneeze.com, and mydomainnameisreallydamnlong.com are all still available. Act now!